Compromising Positions: Tied Up
by Kate McCaye
Summary: SG1 has been having a string of bad luck offworld, much to the delight of the SGC betting pools.
1. Another Fine Mess

Title: Compromising Positions: Tied Up

Author: Kate McCaye

Rating: T (language? Random guess on what I'll end up doing with this one...)

Setting: Anytime before 8

Summary: SG-1 has been having a string of bad luck off-world, much to the delight of the SGC betting pools.

A/N: Short, cruel teaser. I know.

Tied Up

Chapter 1: Another Fine Mess

Major Sam Carter came to with a groan, her head pounding and various parts of her body twinging with random aches and pains. She forced her eyes open groggily and did a quick assessment of her situation. She was fairly certain she didn't have any broken bones. She was also most certainly sitting on a cold, dirty stone floor. And she was nearly naked. She was also tied to the rest of her teammates.

"Colonel? Daniel? Teal'c?" Her voice sounded weak and scratchy to her own ears, and she wondered how long she had been unconscious. Somebody groaned and a bare shoulder shifted against hers. They seemed to be tied back to back (to back, to back) to each other. Her wrists were bound behind her back, her feet were bound, and a heavy rope was wrapped around her bare middle several times, tying all of SG-1 together. She could only assume the rest of them were similarly bound.

"Oh, God," her CO groaned as he regained consciousness as well. He moved next to her again, and she realized he was the one tied to her left. She looked to her right and could just spot Daniel, still unconscious with his head lolling forward. That meant Teal'c was directly behind her. It was odd that he hadn't been the first one to awaken.

"Sir?"

Her CO's head jerked up and knocked into the back of hers. They both yelped and groaned. He mumbled an apology and she could feel him moving around, obviously trying to assess their situation as well. "Carter? Anything broken?"

"No, sir, I don't think so. You?"

"No."

"I'm worried about Teal'c, he should have been the first one awake."

"Do not worry about me, Major Carter. I will be fine."

"T? How's it going?"

"It would appear that we are tied up in a dungeon of some sort, O'Neill, without our weapons, radios, or GDOs. It does not go well."

"I concur," Daniel slurred slightly.

"Danny? You okay?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine but I think maybe I have a confection."

"Concussion?" Carter guessed.

"Yeah, that. One of those. Hey, are you guys in your underwear too?"

"Yes."

"Yup."

"Indeed."

Sam looked down at her feet. She, along with the rest of her team, had apparently been stripped to her underwear and (luckily in her case) bra. She still had her boots on, however, although they were unlaced. For some reason that really irritated her, as though whomever had put them in this situation had stuck their boots back on their feet for the sole purpose of mocking them.

"Well. This. Sucks," Colonel O'Neill stated.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

"What is this the fourth time this year?" Daniel asked.

"Fifth," Teal'c and Carter corrected automatically.

"Dammit. And this is the worst one. The Marines are going to love this," Jack O'Neill grumbled.


	2. Reminiscing in the Dungeon

A/N: Glad to see people liked this one's possibilities... I hope it ends up living up to expectations. I'm literally posting this one immediately after I finish each chapter, which I've never done before, so we'll see... Anyway, this one has flashbacks like the first 'Compromising Positions' I did, but I think I'm making it clear enough - I know it can get hard to read it like that. More to come, probably tomorrow. I know where I'm going with this - I've actually had this storyline planned since I wrote the first one -but I can't really write for very long at a time anymore due to the symbiotes (who are still doing great, thanks everyone who keeps asking!)

Ch 2: Reminiscing in the Dungeon

Jack really felt that at the moment the worst thing about the fact that he and his team were trapped in a dungeon with no obvious plan for escape was that he was really, really bored. He couldn't even look at his teammates, there was nothing to look at on the walls, he couldn't move, and he didn't even have his watch anymore.

"So… what color is everybody's underwear?" he asked casually.

"Grey," Daniel answered automatically.

Sam laughed at the fact that he had answered.

"Shut up, Sam," Daniel grumbled. Jack was chuckling too. "Did they leave you your bra?"

"No, those bastards!" Jack exclaimed dramatically. "And I feel so exposed!"

"Ha ha Jack," Daniel said sarcastically.

"Not that it's any of your business, Daniel, but yes," Sam answered.

"So, Danny, these shorts of yours… are they just plain grey? Mine are green with a pattern of Homer Simpson and donuts."

"Thanks for sharing, Jack," Daniel said dryly as Sam made all their shoulders shake while she laughed. "And if you must know mine have dinosaurs on them."

"You're joking!" Sam exclaimed, giggling.

"Nope. Triceratops. I bet yours are just plain, aren't they?"

"Yup. Just plain black," Sam reported, flushing slightly and hoping her CO didn't have a comment to make. Of course, he did.

"What kind of black are we talking here, Carter… lacy, satiny…"

"Plain black cotton, sir. Standard issue."

"Hmm. Or maybe you just don't want us to know what you've really got on over there."

"Believe what you want to believe, sir."

"Okay, maybe I will."

"Guys, please," Daniel said half-heartedly.

Everyone was quiet for a few moments, looking around their lovely accommodations.

Teal'c broke the silence by saying, "Mine feature the Superman logo."

Daniel and Jack burst into laughter, Jack coughing intermittently. Sam just dissolved completely into giggles, the ridiculousness of their situation hitting her once again.

"Cut it out, Carter," Jack finally ordered.

"Yeah, every time you laugh it makes the ropes rub against my chest and I'm starting to get a rope burn," Daniel complained.

"Sorry, Daniel," Sam apologized, her own sides aching from laughing so much while immobilized. "God, how do we keep getting ourselves into these situations?"

Although it was rhetorical, they did have time to kill while waiting for the Jaffa who had captured them this time to show up and do their whole 'you are my prisoners, you will be tortured for your insolence' routine. So Jack decided to answer her anyway… it would pass the time, at any rate. "Well, let's review, shall we…"

_Earlier that year…_

SG-3 was pissed off, collectively. Pissed off and bored stiff. They'd been stuck at the Alpha site for a week and a half, babysitting some scientists who were studying a bunch of plants General Hammond was being 'too prudent' about to allow onto the Earth base.

Colonel Ronson stretched his neck, which gave a satisfying pop, and decided he was going to organize a poker game later that night, just to keep them all from going insane with boredom. Just as the idea occurred to him, the Stargate activated and everyone scrambled to their proper defensive positions, waiting to see who would come through.

He made a mental note to ask General Hammond how the plans for an iris on the Alpha site gate were coming along. This really wasn't very secure, although the fact that the address wasn't on the Abydos cartouche did help quite a bit.

He wasn't sure what he expected to come through the gate. But it sure as hell wasn't SG-1, lined up like ducks in a row (from tallest to shortest even). They had thick metal ankle cuffs on, connected by chains, and their wrists were connected similarly. They were down to their black tee-shirts and pants. Teal'c had a staff weapon in his free hand. O'Neill and Daniel looked like they were sharing custody of the zat gun in their almost-joined hands. Carter had a free arm but was clutching it to her body so carefully that Ronson immediately knew it was probably broken.

"Stand down, men!" O'Neill called authoritatively.

Ronson said firmly, "Easy there, Colonel. Explain yourselves first. Last I heard you were on a diplomatic mission with those green-haired people."

"PX492," Carter called. "We just came from there."

"The diplomatic part took a turn for the worse," O'Neill added.

"As you can see, we were imprisoned and had our GDOs taken away, so once we escaped we had nowhere else to go but here if we wanted to get back to Earth," Daniel said.

"Now that we've all caught each other up, you think you can get us out of these shackles?" O'Neill barked.

"Major Carter requires immediate medical assistance as well," Teal'c said, speaking for the first time as he turned over his staff weapon to the nearest Marine.

"I'm okay till we get back to Stargate Command," Carter objected firmly.

"No, Teal'c is right, your shoulder needs to be looked at immediately," her CO said.

"It's fine, sir, I'm keeping it immobilized."

"Sam, I'm pretty sure I heard a pop…" Daniel started.

"Daniel, I'm fine!" she snapped, taking out all her frustration on Daniel since she couldn't object to Teal'c's protectiveness because of his sheer size, and couldn't object to her CO's because he was her CO.

"Hey! Easy, Major!"

"Well, sir, everyone's making such a big…"

"Maybe because you've been tramping through the woods for hours with a dislocated and possibly broken shoulder and…"

"You do not want to risk developing an infection, Major Carter."

"Yeah and you know if it was me you'd already be dialing the gate…" Daniel started.

"Oh please, you'd be curled up in a ball like a baby…"

"Carter!"

"What?… sir?" she added with a slightly apologetic smile.

"HEY!" Ronson yelled, holding up his hand. The bickering SG-1 turned their attention to him. He stared at them for several moments and said, "Okay, well, I guess we've established that you're all really… you."

They shifted collectively on their chained-together feet, not sure whether they should feel complimented or insulted by that.

"So… Major, go dial the gate and explain the situation to Hammond… SG-1, let's get you inside and we'll start working on those restraints. You can fill me in on exactly what happened to you then." Ronson's 2IC trotted off to the DHD and he and the rest of his team escorted SG-1 (shuffling and making loud clanging noises) inside. The scientists who were in there working looked at the drop-in visitors in surprise. "Someone get a blowtorch," Ronson ordered.

SG-1 sat down, shoulders all touching, and held out their connected arms hopefully. "Me first," Jack ordered. "Daniel, why don't you start explaining to the good Colonel here how you managed to muck up your own 'diplomatic' relations."

"It wasn't just me, okay, Jack? You and Sam didn't exactly endear yourselves."

"The fault lies with all of us. The people of PX492 value honesty and truthfulness above all else, and we were caught being untruthful to several of them."

"Yeah, well… they were a little _too _honest," Jack mumbled.

Daniel focused his attention on Ronson and explained, "The sultan guy's daughter was um… interested in me…" Jack snorted at the polite assessment of the girl's attentions. Daniel scowled at him and continued. "And I told her I was already um, married, to Sam so she'd leave me alone to continue the negotiations…"

"But I had already told one of the counsel members that Daniel was my brother, because they didn't approve of unmarried women traveling without their 'guardian…'"

"And O'Neill had already told the sultan that he was responsible for Major Carter and that I was responsible for Daniel Jackson."

"Jack! You told him I was married to Teal'c?" Daniel squeaked.

Jack shrugged. "I didn't specifically say _married… _I just sort of _implied…_"

"Once they discovered we were being untruthful, we were imprisoned in the local custom."

"But Daniel's girlfriend ended up springing us because she felt bad," Jack continued.

"How did you hurt your shoulder, Major Carter?"

"While heading back to the Stargate under light pursuit we um… took a little tumble down a small hill…" Sam started.

"Small mountain," Daniel corrected.

"And a not-so-small Jaffa landed on top of her in our dog pile," Jack finished.

Ronson looked at all of them and shook his head. "You guys sure do get yourselves into some strange positions."

"Yeah, well, maybe. But we're not going to be making a habit out of this or anything, Ronson."

vvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Back to the present…_

"We're not going to be making a habit out of this or anything," Daniel said in a high, mocking voice.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jack grumbled. "I know, right? Famous last words."


	3. Bound and Determined

A/N: This one was sitting on my computer finished for the better part of a day, but I was way too distracted to post anything because I'm an Auntie again! Patrick Quinlan arrived yesterday, 20 days early and a little small but still very healthy and beautiful. I now have a full _dozen_ nieces and nephews, and there is one very happy little boy in particular who loves his three sisters dearly but was getting a bit desperate for a brother. I've only seen pictures and spoken with everyone on the phone, but they are all doing wonderfully. Nephew #5 is absolutely adorable, and my sister's intuition was wrong for the first time - she thought she was having another girl.

Ch 3: Bound and Determined

"You know, that was when our recent string of bad luck _started, _but I really don't think they would have got a pool going just based on that one incident," Daniel remarked after everyone had lapsed into their own memories of their escape from PX545 and the subsequent ribbing they'd taken about it from SG-3 and the rest of the base when the story 'somehow leaked out' about how they'd shown up at the Alpha site shackled together.

"I think you're right about that, Daniel," Carter agreed.

"Yeah, maybe. But I'm guessing when it happened again on our first trip back through the gate after your shoulder healed is what did it," Jack said.

"That was not anywhere near as spectacular as the first time," Daniel reminded them.

"And there was _nothing _funny about that either," Carter added. "We were in a really dangerous situation that time."

"You are correct, Major Carter. Luckily for all of us you engineered our escape," Teal'c stated.

Jack grunted an intelligible agreement of some sort and said, "Yeah… speaking of which, anytime you're ready to pull another miraculous escaping maneuver out of your ass…tronomically brilliant brain…"

Daniel snorted derisively at Jack's verbal editing, but Carter was smiling at the clever alteration. They couldn't see her face anyway in their current positions, so it couldn't hurt. "Sorry, sir, I don't think there's enough er… space. To maneuver. This time. I think I'd just get us all more tangled than we already are."

"Too bad. That was kind of fun last time."

Daniel and Carter both snorted this time, but Jack barely registered their responses, as he was already recalling the incident in question, the one that had made him regret that ill-fated 'famous last words' remark in a hurry.

_Flashback, Incident #2_

Jack regained consciousness and immediately remembered the last thing he'd been doing… sneaking on board a Goa'uld cargo ship (what the hell kind of a name was 'Thoth' anyway?) to try to retrieve (which was sanctioned-speak for 'swipe') some sort of new technology the Tok'ra wanted to incorporate into their little snake-extraction machine or something.

Jack wasn't sure why they wanted it, but it had seemed important when Jacob showed up a couple of days ago and told them about it. Speaking (or thinking, rather) of Jacob… shouldn't he be busting them out of there pretty soon? And shouldn't the first thing out of his mouth be an apology for laughing at Jack's suggestion that they work on making those damn rings a little quieter?

Jacob would probably have to uncloak the ship they'd arrived in to get them out, and who knew what else… but surely he'd make an attempt, no matter how risky. Even if Jacob might have considered leaving O'Neill behind, Jack had his own convenient insurance policy. He was currently tied to the man's only daughter.

They were back to back, wrists tied with what had to be the scratchiest, most uncomfortable rope the Jaffa who had captured them could possibly find. Jack's knees were also tied together, making the left one twinge so painfully he briefly entertained the thought that maybe he'd rather be unconscious again after all. It was pitch black in the stuffy room, but he knew he was bound to Carter by process of elimination: only one of his teammates had such soft and small hands and wrists, and it certainly wasn't Daniel or Teal'c.

As if thinking their names had somehow willed them into consciousness (or maybe it had just reminded Jack's own muddled brain to become aware of them), Daniel, who was somewhere to Jack's right, moaned and said, "Where are we? Everyone okay? Sam? Teal'c? Jack?"

"I'm _last?_" Jack asked sarcastically.

"O'Neill?"

"Teal'c?"

"I am unable to see."

"Yeah… lights are off. Unless we've all gone blind again. But I don't remember seeing one of those tacky things going off this time, so…"

"They are called Tacs, O'Neill."

"I know. But they're tacky. Come on - tossing a grenade at someone that hurts like hell, knocks them out for hours, makes them blind, and leaves them with a headache for about a week… that's tacky."

"Perhaps," Teal'c conceded. "But we were not attacked with Tacs today."

"Just a good old-fashioned surrounding and group zatting, huh kids," Jack said. He guessed by the sounds of Teal'c's and Daniel's voices that the were tied together as well. They were also shuffling around an awful lot, probably trying to investigate their surroundings in the dark as much as possible.

"Sam's with you, right Jack?" Daniel asked suddenly.

"Yeah, but she's still out of it I think." He jiggled their joint hands and barked, "Carter? Wake up!"

It wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done. The urgency in his voice penetrated whatever fog her brain had been in and she jerked into alertness, her whole body moving quickly. She gave Jack the beginnings of a nice bump on the back of his head, they both let out profanities, and she kept trying to move or something, apparently not realizing how tied up they already were. She ended up throwing them both off balance completely, and Jack was thrown roughly onto his left side with her. His last thought before he lost consciousness again was that the floor of the cargo ship was even harder than his 2IC's skull.

Next thing he knew, he woke up on the ground, dizzy. Daniel, Teal'c, and Carter were all talking at once. They sounded worried. Carter was also doing an awful lot of squirming around. None of them had noticed that he had rejoined the world of the conscious and possibly concussed, so he decided to let them know. "Dear diary, today when I woke up Carter was groping my ass…"

"Colonel!" She sounded so relieved that he was awake that she wasn't even going to acknowledge his remark.

"O'Neill - are you injured?"

"Yeah, Jack, do you think you have a concussion? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Daniel, are you sure there's nothing wrong with _your _head? Cuz I don't know about you but my hands are tied behind my back and the room is pitch black, so I'm guessing that's not the best way to check for a concussion today."

"Sorry… habit. Seriously though, are you okay?"

"Sure." He shrugged, which was weird in his current position. "Hey, Carter, any chance we can try to choreograph getting ourselves back into an upright position?"

"Um, actually, this is better, sir."

"Maybe for you, but my knee doesn't like me very much right now."

"I'm sorry, Colonel, I'm trying to get out of here."

"Yeah, right."

"She says she can get out of the ropes," Daniel informed him.

"Really? This I'd like to see."

"As you have stated, O'Neill, we are currently incapable of seeing anything," Teal'c reminded him helpfully.

"Thanks, T. Carter, when do you think your dad might show up and rescue us?"

"We won't need him to if you guys just give me a few minutes."

"That code for 'shut the hell up?'" Jack asked mildly.

"Yes, sir."

"Right. Daniel, shut up."

Daniel mumbled something Jack couldn't catch. He thought it might not be English anyway. He gave over the desire to irritate Daniel and busied himself trying to ignore the various bolts of pain shooting through his body from his head and knee, and also trying to ignore the very close-quarter wriggling of his 2IC.

Apparently now that the only sounds in the room were rustling fabric and a few grunts of effort and frustration, Carter felt the need to explain what she was trying to do. "If I can get my feet past my wrists I can get my arms in front of me, and hopefully loosen the ropes with my teeth, then get the ones around my legs, get the rest of you free, and we'll get the hell out of here."

"Oh yeah, piece of cake," Jack said sarcastically.

"It would be a lot easier if I didn't have my boots on," she admitted. "And wasn't tied to another person. But I think it could still work."

A loud popping sound echoed eerily. "That was just my back!" she assured them all, although Jack was less than comforted.

He couldn't help finding all the unavoidable contact with a squirming Carter… interesting. Fingers kept colliding with fingers and enough camouflaged areas for Jack to figure out that his 2IC was either sporting a definitely non-regulation-abiding thong or had one heck of a wedgie. He briefly considered asking Daniel and Teal'c which one they'd like to bet on, but decided it would probably end up being one of the last things he ever did. Certainly one of the dumbest. So he bit the inside of his cheek instead and made no comments about all the touching and frictiony noises. He even resisted the urge to ask Daniel if 'frictiony' was a word. Maybe he could ask him later.

He stopped finding their positions quite as intriguing when several of his fingers were mashed suddenly with a heavy pair of combat boots. "Jesus, Carter!"

"What's going on over there?" Daniel called curiously.

"Carter's boots hate my fingers," Jack whimpered, biting down on a whole string of words that would never make it into his report as his back was wrenched painfully when she moved again. "Dammit, I'm not Gumby, Carter, even if you are!"

"Sorry! Are you okay?"

"Yeah… but I don't think this is gonna work. How are you even doing this at all, aren't your knees tied together?"

"No… my ankles."

"As are mine," Teal'c said.

"Mine too… Jack, your knees are tied?"

"Yeah… you think they know about my bad knee? Now that's just mean."

"Oh, but zatting us all, tying us up, and leaving us in a pitch-black room on the floor isn't?" Daniel asked.

"Good point."

"Sir, just take a deep breath and relax, okay… this is probably going to hurt but I'll do it fast."

Jack swallowed another comment but Daniel didn't. "Sam, that sounded really bad."

"Shut up, Daniel, or I might conveniently forget to untie you when we get out of here."

"Yes, ma'am," Daniel said quietly.

Jack did as he was told and bit his tongue hard enough to taste blood as she did some circus-freak move that would probably hurt just to _watch. _He couldn't tell exactly what she did, but it definitely involved pushing against his butt with her feet for leverage, and wrenching his arms nearly _off. _

It hurt. A lot. But if was over fast, like she'd promised, and while his arms were still not feeling very well at the moment, they weren't complaining all that much. They were around her waist, from behind and backwards of course, but still. That meant she'd gotten hers in front of her, and although their backs were now pressed together much more tightly than before, she had a lot more room to work on the ties at their hands.

"Okay?" she asked, breathing hard.

"Peachy. You?"

"Yeah, just need a second to catch my breath."

Daniel mumbled something to Teal'c, who rumbled back, "Indeed."

"What was that, Spacemonkey?" Jack demanded.

"Nothing… just talking to Teal'c is all."

"About…"

"Nothing."

"Carter, maybe you _will _accidentally leave Daniel tied up when we get out of here."

"Okay, okay," Daniel said quickly. "I said, 'too bad there aren't any lights in here, if we had footage of this we could make a fortune back at the base.'"

"That's it. You're never getting untied," Jack said grumpily. "Never."

Privately, he happened to agree with Daniel, but that wasn't the point. He didn't like being made fun of - especially by the geek.

He was especially glad Daniel's musings were merely musings when Carter caught her breath and moved onto the next stage of her little trick. Since she'd never be able to bring his arms up high enough to reach the ropes with her teeth, she did the opposite, which involved shimmying down him and then bringing their arms up as much as possible.

He tried not to think about all the off-limit places his hands and forearms encountered with _that _little maneuver, and was suddenly very glad that he wasn't in Daniel or Teal'c's position - on the other side of the room picturing one of them stuck like this with Carter. Realizing that yes, that was most certainly the top of his 2IC's breasts that his hands were resting on, he tried to curl his fingers into fists to minimize the contact but the rope and her hands were in the way and it was just impossible.

"Sorry," he mumbled uncomfortably, not sure what he should do or say about it. This whole thing was _her _idea and doing, after all, but he still felt like he should be apologizing.

"'Sokay," she said distractedly, still squirming around a bit. She suddenly bit one of his fingers, hard.

He yelped loudly and exclaimed, "Holy crap, I said I was sorry!"

"Sorry, sorry!" she was apologizing profusely at the same time.

"Are you all right?" Teal'c asked.

"Sorry," Carter repeated again. "Trying to get the rope…"

"That wasn't it," Jack whimpered, sounding slightly pathetic even to his own ears. "I'm okay, T. Carter just bit me in the hand… not for the first time, might I add."

"Mmrphmy."

Jack guessed that was supposed to be another 'sorry,' but she had clearly succeeded in locating the rope. Several mostly quiet minutes later, she gave a triumphant 'Yes!' and Jack felt most of the ropes around his wrists loosen. She did some quick scrambling and was soon sitting up next to him, although his own wrists were still bound loosely with one remaining knot. She undid that one as well and helped him sit up, then turned back to work on the ropes around her own ankles, leaning against his back again to help him sit up even though it was no longer required. He was glad for the support, as his back, shoulders, arms, head, and knee were all killing him. They finished freeing themselves and felt their way over to Daniel and Teal'c. Jack accidentally poked Teal'c in the eye and Carter kneed Daniel in the ribs as she knelt next to him, but they had soon successfully freed their entire team.

They were feeling around in the dark for hidden panels that would hopefully locate the door they still hadn't found when it suddenly opened on its own and they all reacted instinctively to the sudden addition of light to the pitch-black environment they'd grown accustomed to. They turned away from the source of the light and the potential danger it signaled and gathered together closely in a protective little huddle.

"What the hell are you waiting for, we don't have all day!" an exasperated and familiar voice scolded them all.

"Dad!" Carter and Jack both said at the same time.

A split-second behind them was Daniel with, "Jacob thank God."

Jacob gave them his 'losing my patience with you rapidly' smile and waved for them to follow him with the zat gun in his hand.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Present_

"I'm still not really sure how everyone else found out about that so fast," Carter commented. "I mean, okay, when we showed up at the Alpha site completely unexpected and they had to break out the blowtorches… it's understandable that people would talk, but…"

"Siler was in the infirmary when we got back," Jack reminded her.

"That's right," Daniel agreed. "He commented on the marks on all our wrists, from the ropes, remember? Before Janet discharged him?"

"That is correct," Teal'c said. "His curiosity was undoubtedly piqued, and the guards in the board room subsequently told to pay special attention during our debriefing."

"And once the story got back to SG-3 that it was the second time in a row we ended up captured and tied up, they thought it would be funny to get a pool started on when, where, why, and how it would happen to us next," Carter concluded.

"And how we'd get out," Jack added, remembering how he'd found out about the new pool in the first place: he had overheard two soldiers and the scientist from SG-9 arguing over which one of them would get them out of their next 'bind.'

When the rest of his team had joined him in the commissary for lunch and he found himself looking around the room frequently with a paranoid look in his eyes (and for good reason -- they _were _getting quite a lot of attention), he had complained about their new roles in the latest pool to the rest of his team, who had been equally perturbed.

It had only gotten worse that afternoon, when Carter came to him to report that she had gone to speak with General Hammond about letting her back onto regular duty immediately (she was _fine, _after all, just a little sore!) and Hammond had hastily shoved a few crumpled bills into Walter's front pocket and shooed the technician away when he saw her approaching.

"They _want _us to know about the pool, you know," Jack grumped, tugging at the current restraints on his wrists just for the sake of it, since he hadn't tried it in a while. "Ronson thinks it's funny."

"The term I heard him use was 'a hoot and a holler,' I believe," Teal'c contributed evenly.

"I would have thought they'd have let it go when nothing happened for almost six weeks," Carter mused.

"Yeah, maybe they would have if Daniel and I hadn't come back so… damaged… the next time. And if Daniel could have kept his mouth shut around that damn nosey nurse."

"Hey! That one was entirely your fault in the first place, Jack!"

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not!"

"Was."

"O'Neill, I believe you _were _responsible," Teal'c said, trying to settle the matter.

"Hey! Since when are you on his side?" Jack demanded. "Carter? You gonna set them straight or what?"

His only answer at first was a long silence. Finally, his 2IC cleared her throat and said carefully, "Well, I suppose it wasn't _entirely _your fault, sir… but it was definitely more your fault than Daniel's. I mean, he was just standing there."

"So was I!" Jack insisted.

"Sure, Jack," Daniel said, as if he were pacifying a small child.

"You guys just don't remember," Jack grumbled. "It was all very simple…"

"O'Neill, you are clearly not impartial in this story."

Daniel snorted. "When is he ever?"

Teal'c ignored Daniel's comment and stated, "I will remind you _both _the way events actually transpired."

"Oh goody," Daniel muttered, while Jack said concurrently, "Oh joy."

Carter mumbled, "Oh great."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A/N: Yup, the next one is going to be Teal'c (not first person, just in the same way that this chapter was 'Jack.') I haven't stuck with Teal'c since one of my first stories, but I was particularly inspired to try it again after an especially kind review complimenting my 'Teal'c voice,' and I thought this story set-up was a good place to try it again. He can be tricky, so it might take a bit longer though. We'll see!


	4. Oh, what a tangled web we weave

A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating. My step-son/sci-fi buddy had to go back to his mom's this week for school to start, and I've missed the little guy too much to write funny SG-1 stories. Anyway, for those keeping a tally, there's one more flashback and then the resolution of their current situation on the menu, so I'll get those going ASAP. Thanks, all!

Ch 4: Oh, what a tangled web we weave

"Not that I'm not enjoying all this reminiscing, but we do have a _current _situation we might want to think about trying to get out of," Jack pointed out, jerking lightly at his own bound wrists, which made everyone else's jerk as well.

"How exactly do you propose we do that, Jack?" Daniel asked.

"I don't know… any brilliant ideas yet, Carter?"

Carter rolled her eyes. Why was it always her? "We could… get up and check the door, I suppose. Give that suspiciously technological-looking keypad over by the door to this otherwise nondescript, primitive-looking holding cell a try… But I'm guessing it'll be more trouble than it's worth."

"At least we would be doing something," Jack muttered. "Okay, everyone plant their feet, group field trip fifteen feet to the door, on three. One, two, three…"

SG-1 staggered to their feet, shoving into each other's backs for support. "Okay, let's go right…" Jack ordered. Everyone moved to his or her own right, which meant that they ended up struggling against each other in a clumsy circle and quickly falling. Unfortunately, they all fell in an awkwardly-bound pile on top of their intrepid CO.

"Guys, get the hell offa me!" Jack yelled.

"We're trying, sir!"

"Great directions, Jack… really brilliant."

"Yeah, well, how was I supposed to know this would be one of those rare times that you'd all three follow my orders explicitly and immediately?" he grumbled. "Teal'c, come on, can't you get your elbow out of my spine?"

"I am endeavoring to do so, O'Neill."

After much struggling and cursing, they were back in their original positions, about five feet closer to the door than they had been, now sporting fresh scrapes and bruises from their awkward tumble.

"Any more clever ideas?" Jack asked them collectively. This time nobody bothered to answer.

"We appear to be bound even more efficiently than the time O'Neill and I were hoisted into the tree on P9R395," Teal'c commented.

"Ya think?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, Teal'c, weren't you going to tell us exactly what happened before we found you guys?" Carter reminded.

"Indeed."

"Teal'c, nobody wants to hear that story…" Jack started.

"Yes we do," both scientists chorused.

"Very well," Teal'c said, ignoring further mutterings from O'Neill as he began recalling the time only he and O'Neill had been 'compromised.'

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Earlier that year, P9R395_

I stepped through the stargate slightly behind the rest of my team, in the usual configuration when we do not expect to be met with hostility but are being cautious nevertheless. O'Neill went first, followed almost immediately by Major Carter, then Daniel Jackson, and lastly myself. O'Neill has always preferred to surround the youngest members of SG-1 whenever possible by positioning ourselves on opposite sides of our group.

I am also fairly certain that he simply likes to be the first person to set foot on a new planet.

Our mission was to P9R395 was to be a simple one, although that of course did not automatically mean that it would be uneventful. The inhabitants of this world are nomadic hunters and gatherers, and had been more than usually surprised when they first encountered an SG team.

Once they understood that SG-11 was there to conduct a mineral survey, they only requested that the survey be postponed until they had moved on to a new location, as the large human presence and noise that a mineral survey entails would undoubtedly make hunting difficult.

Now, the nomads were gone, as was SG-11, already established on another long-term project off-world. General Hammond assigned SG-1 to make certain the area was secure before sending in a civilian-led research team.

O'Neill paired himself with Daniel Jackson for a box-scan of the area, leaving me to walk with Major Carter, who had been very excited with the potential findings of this trip and was overcompensating for her scientific enthusiasm by being an equally enthusiastic soldier as we conducted our initial scans. Several times her attention was diverted momentarily to various plants, rocks, and differently-colored dirt, but she always immediately redoubled her attentions to her current duties, often increasing her pace as well.

This is not unusual, nor is finishing a survey with Major Carter well before Daniel Jackson and O'Neill finish theirs.

Once SG-1 was together again at the clearing the SGC had already determined would be the best place to build a base camp, things progressed as usual. I supervised, keeping an eye on the tree-line for any unforeseen threats. Daniel Jackson and Major Carter began setting up their equipment. O'Neill 'helped,' for a time at least, carrying supplies from the MALP and doing a few miscellaneous tasks, but it was not long before he had helped all he could.

He then began to get bored and took to irritating the rest of us under the guise of further offers of assistance. Daniel Jackson and Major Carter bore his antics patiently, knowing that he would soon be ready for a change of scenery.

As the rest of us had all been expecting, after almost one and a half hours he approached me and said, "Let's do a little exploring and… securing of the area."

I tilted my head patiently to show my acquiescence. I was more than ready for a walk as well. "Carter, Daniel, radio every ten, eyes and ears open."

"Yes, sir," Major Carter responded immediately, although to all outward appearances she was as absorbed in her studies as Daniel Jackson, who had yet to respond or react to anything O'Neill had said.

"Daniel!"

"What?"

"Teal'c and I are going to do another sweep - don't do anything dumb."

"Jaaack…"

"Daniel."

"Fine."

"Thank you."

O'Neill exchanged a brief and familiar look with Major Carter that has become merely a formality for many years. It is perhaps not fair of O'Neill to demand that his 2IC do her job, keep watch, and make sure Daniel Jackson does not come to harm, but these are all tasks she took upon herself in the beginning anyway.

We left Major Carter and Daniel Jackson to their work and walked in silence for almost two kilometers. I was waiting for O'Neill to begin small-talking, and was not surprised when he did.

"So, T… seen any good movies lately?"

"I recently watched the 'Indiana Jones' trilogy with Daniel Jackson and Doctor and Cassandra Fraiser."

"Why wasn't I invited to the party?"

"You were fishing, O'Neill."

"Oh. Right. Well… did you like it?"

"Not as much as Star Wars, but it was still very enjoyable."

"Good."

We walked in companionable silence for several more minutes, then O'Neill spoke again. "So… catch the hockey game last Friday?"

"I did not."

"Too bad. It was a good one."

"I am sure it was."

This was the end of our conversation, as our feet were immediately swept out from beneath us and we were hoisted approximately twenty-five feet into the air in an inverted state.

After letting out an inarticulate sound and swearing loudly, O'Neill calmed himself and stated, "Well, this is a surprise."

"It would appear that the indigenous people of this world forgot one of their trapping nets, O'Neill."

"Ya think? Hey, do you still have your radio? I ah… I dropped mine."

"I have mine, O'Neill, but it will require some maneuvering to reach it."

While I struggled around the coarse, heavy netting to access the radio strapped to my own shoulder, O'Neill offered suggestions that were of little value.

"O'Neill," I finally said.

"Right. Sorry. I'll just… hang here."

"Very well."

I finally accessed my radio and contacted Major Carter. After giving them directions to our location, we had little to do but wait for them to find us. O'Neill, however, was moving quite a bit, making our whole contraption swing and sway dangerously.

"O'Neill, what is it you are trying to accomplish?"

"Trying to reach my knife to cut us loose, T, what do you think?"

"I do not think that is wise, O'Neill. We have found ourselves in much the same position as Chewbacca, Han Solo and…"

"Teal'c, I really don't need Trekkie rhetoric at the moment, okay? All the blood's rushing to my head and…"

"Trekkies are fans of Star Trek, O'Neill. I was speaking of Star Wars. Return of the Jedi to be precise…"

Major Carter and Daniel Jackson's loud approach halted our conversation. "COLONEL! TEAL'C!"

"Major Carter! We are here!"

Upon reaching us, both craned their necks to look up at us with similar expressions of surprise, concern, and mild amusement.

"At least it wasn't all of us this time," Daniel Jackson commented finally.

"Oh shut up and cut us loose," O'Neill ordered.

Major Carter was already examining the nearby trees for the lever mechanism to lower us. Finding none immediately, she was interrupted by General Hammond's attempts to contact us over the radio. The MALP was undoubtedly relaying the radio transmission from the active gate.

"Colonel O'Neill, you've missed your scheduled radio contact, please respond. Over."

"General Hammond, sir, Carter here. We're all… fine, sir. Just… hit a bit of a… a snag."

"Define 'snag,' Major."

"Well, sir…"

Daniel Jackson took over. "Teal'c and Jack are well… hung, General."

Static was the only response for several seconds. Major Carter shrugged in answer to Daniel Jackson's questioning look.

"Ohfercryinoutloud, Daniel, think about how that probably just sounded!"

"What? All I said was that you were… OH!"

Major Carter suddenly disappeared into the nearest clump of trees snickering to herself but ostensibly continuing her efforts to free us.

"That came out wrong, General, it's not what it sounds like, see, Jack and Teal'c have apparently… been caught in one of the trapping nets that was apparently left behind by the nomadic tribe we encountered earlier…" Daniel Jackson began explaining rapidly.

"I'm sick of all this!" O'Neill suddenly declared. Amid loud objections from the rest of us, he began hacking away at the netting binding us with the knife usually kept on his belt.

I barely had time to grab the net as he succeeded and we were cut free. While I hung many feet above the ground, O'Neill was not so fortunate. He plunged towards the ground, but his fall was broken. Unfortunately, it was broken by Daniel Jackson, who was, as they say, 'in the wrong place at the wrong time.'

General Hammond, over the radio, was demanding an update on our condition. With both hands clinging to the netting, I was unable to respond, and Major Carter was too busy assessing the injuries of O'Neill and Daniel Jackson.

After many moments of confusion, O'Neill grabbed the radio off of Major Carter's vest and took it upon himself to being explaining the situation to General Hammond. He was forced to speak very loudly, as Daniel Jackson was objecting with alarming volume to Major Carter's attempts to stop the bleeding wound to his temple.

After making certain that none of my team members were beneath me, I dropped to the ground lightly, landing on my feet and bending my knees properly to prevent injury. I then began assisting O'Neill, despite his efforts to bat my hands away. I could not resist telling him, "If you had let me finish my illustration, O'Neill, perhaps you would not have tried such an unwise course of action. R2D2 made a similar mistake."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Prison floor, present day._

"There's really not much to tell. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time," Jack said defensively.

"You weren't the only one," Daniel muttered. "And I'm still not convinced you weren't aiming for me to break your fall, Jack."

"You're giving me way too much credit there, Spacemonkey. Although if I could have, maybe I would have… anyway, it was kind of fun hearing everyone argue about how to settle up their bets when we all came back."

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "No one had predicted that only O'Neill and I would be captured."

"And technically you weren't really _captured… _I mean that implies that it was deliberate, and it was just an accident that time."

"An accident that left me with two cracked ribs and eleven stitches in my head thanks to Jack 'the brick' O'Neill landing on top of me," Daniel complained.

"Oh get over it already, Daniel, it's been a month and a half," Jack muttered.

"Daniel, sir, look… the point is that all that… accident… did was make everyone even more interested than ever in our bad run of luck off-world. Now, maybe the mental picture of the Colonel falling so gracefully out of a net and landing smack-dab on top of Daniel kept everyone amused for a while, but if we manage to get out of our _current _predicament, things are going to be even more humiliating than ever before!"

She knew she'd regret saying it the moment it was out of her mouth. Sure enough, her CO's immediate response made her blush with the memory it evoked.

"Oh, I don't know about that, Carter. Just last week you said you'd never been more embarrassed in your life."


	5. Get Carter

A/N: Sorry for the delay... I kind of shot myself in the foot with the ending to the previous chapter, as I really had no idea what Carter's 'most embarrassing' thing was going to be... then you guys reminded me about some of the 'real' embarrassing situations she's been in on the show... anyway, it was tricky! I worked on one version of this chapter for a few days before deciding to go in a completely different direction with it. That original plan will probably turn into another chapter of 'Inordinate Events,' after I finish this one completely.

This one is long! Very, very long. But it seemed to require more back story and explanation than the previous chapters, although I didn't want to explain too carefully and have it be boring... anyway, I hope you guys like it. It's got flashbacks... lots of them. I hope it's not confusing. After this the rest of the story should be linear. I was getting bored with this, but I did manage to fit in several things I've been wanting to write into a story for quite some time now into this one - I'll let you know which ones they are if you really want to know.

Also, I try to write stories I wouldn't be worried about my stepson reading - which means that most of the more suggestive remarks are vague and clean enough to go over a few heads without (hopefully) being too bad. I also probably rate them higher than they usually need... that being said, there are a few bad words in this chapter but I think they've all appeared on the show before.

_Previously…_

"Daniel, sir, look… the point is that all that… accident… did was make everyone even more interested than ever in our bad run of luck off-world. Now, maybe the mental picture of the Colonel falling so gracefully out of a net and landing smack-dab on top of Daniel kept everyone amused for a while, but if we manage to get out of our _current _predicament, things are going to be even more humiliating than ever before!"

She knew she'd regret saying it the moment it was out of her mouth. Sure enough, her CO's immediate response made her blush with the memory it evoked.

"Oh, I don't know about that, Carter. Just last week you said you'd never been more embarrassed in your life."

Ch 5: Get Carter

_Last Week… _

"I've never been more embarrassed in my life," Carter groaned, covering her eyes with her hands despite the fact that it made the IV in the back of her left hand smart.

"It's not that bad, Sam," Daniel tried to comfort her, squeezing her foot through the thin infirmary blanket. He was sitting sideways on the foot of her gurney. Teal'c stood next to her IV rack with his hands clasped behind his back, and her CO was perched on a stool near her pillow, fiddling with Dr. Fraiser's penlight.

"Yeah… and don't you think you're being a little overdramatic, Carter? I mean, aren't you forgetting that time you went all cave-woman and jumped me in the locker room?"

She let her hands drop to her sides (her arms felt noodly) and tried to glare at him. She figured, based on the fact that he laughed at her, that she was still a little bit too full of drugs to glare properly.

"Yeah, and what about the time you drank that stuff on P3X595 and took off your…" Daniel supplied helpfully.

"Daniel!" she objected, fixing him with a glare. He looked sufficiently rebuked, so apparently her glare wasn't completely useless.

"You appear to be yourself once again, Major Carter," Teal'c said, speaking in a soothing tone. "Should you not focus on that?"

"I guess," Sam grumbled, plucking at her blanket and frowning down at the hospital gown someone had changed her into.

Janet Fraiser entered and quickly surveyed SG-1. "All right, boys, clear out." She narrowed her eyes at O'Neill and snatched her penlight from him. "I've been looking for this, sir!"

"Is Sam okay?" Daniel asked, looking worried.

"Get out of here so I can examine her and then I'll let you know," Janet said, picking up Sam's chart and glancing at it.

"Oh come on, doc, lighten up, we just want to make sure she's okay…"

"As do I, Colonel. So if you'll excuse us…"

Daniel chimed in rather unhelpfully with, "Come on, it's not like there's anything left to hide at this point, Sam…"

Sam considered trying to kill Daniel (or herself) with her pillow, but doubted she had enough strength at the moment. She expected her CO to follow up Daniel's smart comment with one of his own, so she was surprised when he smacked Daniel's arm and pointed him at the door instead.

"Doc, when you're finished up here and Carter, when you're feeling up to it… well, General Hammond wants to hear your um… side of the story."

He shoved Daniel out the door and flashed an encouraging smile in her general direction but shifted his eyes so that they didn't quite meet hers, settling for a few moments on her nose and forehead instead. Teal'c met her eyes for a fraction of a second as he bowed slightly on his way out, but even he seemed to be in a hurry to go and reluctant to look her in the face.

"God, Janet, just kill me now!" Sam said dramatically once they were alone, rubbing carefully at the raw skin on both her wrists.

Her friend and doctor looked at her and gave her a sympathetic smile as she put her stethoscope in her ears. "I'm sure it's not that bad, Sam… at least you didn't get the mother of all STDs from eating alien cake and sleeping with an alien only a couple of weeks old… and don't even get me started on Daniel…"

"Yeah… I guess we've all had our share of embarrassing incidents off-world… it's just that lately they've been happening more and more. But at least they were _group _embarrassments… oh God. Speaking of that… any word on the latest pools? Have they… already heard about what happened this time?"

"Well, apparently the pool is getting really big. You guys keep throwing everyone for a loop. Some of the predictions are getting pretty out there… but nobody in their right mind would have bet money that you'd be tied up by your own CO! What the hell happened out there, Sam?"

"I wish I could remember all of it... Then again maybe it's better that I don't. Better let them back in, Jan, so we can get our stories straight for Hammond."

"Only if you let me stay and listen," Janet bargained.

"Fine."

vvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Flashback… yes, a flashback within the flashback. Terrible, isn't it?_

"Daniel… would it be bad for diplomatic relations if we skipped out on this little 'party in our honor' tonight?" Jack asked. He was stretched out on his back in the P63C39 version of his hotel room. These 'information exchanges' were always so boring. Well, boring if your name wasn't Daniel Jackson or Sam Carter. They were both right as rain. Teal'c had been doing a lot more kel'no reeming than he usually did. Jack had spent most of the past several days babysitting his scientists and avoiding the really boring (yet perfectly hospitable) denizens.

Daniel, who was voluntarily putting on the local duds for the party, turned from the mirror and looked at Jack with his 'use extra patience with Jack today' face. "Yes, Jack. That would be bad."

"These guys are so… _lame _though. I'm willing to bet they're using the term 'party' really loosely here."

"Jack…" Daniel started. He trailed off as Teal'c entered the room.

"Um, Teal'c, I believe your job for the day was 'keep an eye on Carter,"" Jack commented, looking around the large Jaffa dramatically for their fourth team member. "And I don't see her, so… where's Carter? Please do not tell me she convinced you she has to stay in the alien lab all night long doing… whatever it is she does in alien labs all night long."

"I left her next door in her own quarters, O'Neill," Teal'c stated calmly.

"She's not playing dress-up too is she?"

"I do not believe so."

"How'd it go today with Alam?" Daniel asked Teal'c casually as he cleaned off his glasses.

"As predicted. Major Carter continues to be charmingly oblivious to his attentions."

"Huh?" Jack asked quickly, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"Oh come on, Jack… you didn't notice that scientist guy that's been following her around since we got here?"

"The shrimpy little guy?"

"Yeah. She's predictably oblivious to his er… infatuation… and he's probably going to be a little bit upset when he figures out she's just that nice to everyone."

"Wait, so…" He trailed off as the connecting door to Carter's room opened and she joined them and stopped just inside the door, looking at all of them suspiciously.

"What?" she asked hesitantly.

"Nothing," Jack and Daniel said together, both giving her 'we weren't just talking about you' looks.

She shrugged and leaned against the dresser, waiting for Daniel to put on his shoes. Jack got to his feet with a slight groan and surveyed his team. "All right, now, let's not forget the rules tonight. No drinking or eating anything we didn't bring."

"Jack… that's so rude, we've been here for days and they've been nothing but nice..."

"Daniel, I don't care. They're welcome to any of the rations and delicious water we brought with us, but nobody goes near anything alien."

"Even if they have cake, sir?" Carter asked with a grin.

"Watch it, Major," he warned, nudging them all out the door. The sooner they got to this little shindig the sooner they could leave.

vvvvvvvvvvvv

It didn't take long for Jack to remember who Alam was. He was the little beady-eyed guy trailing after Carter with a look on his face that might have been funny if it wasn't so disturbingly pathetic. Not entirely unusual… but this time it looked like Teal'c had picked up two little admirers of his own.

That was a bit of a twist… unless they happened to be hanging out with Jaffa priestesses or whatever, Daniel was usually the one with alien girls following him around. Teal'c was pretending not to notice the attentions of the female scientist and historian they'd been working with for the past few days.

Carter noticed her CO checking his watch for about the tenth time since they'd arrived, and made her way over towards him, absently accepting the bottle of their own water that Alam had insisted on fetching.

"Sir? I think this building is structurally sound, I don't think you need to keep holding up the wall," she tried, leaning back against the wall next to him and surveying the large room. For a party, it was remarkably quiet. Everyone seemed to be following the 'six inch voice' rule.

He smiled sarcastically and said, "Very cute. Can't we just tell them it's past our bedtime on Earth and get going?"

"Daniel thinks we should stay a little bit longer, sir. What did General Hammond say when you contacted him this evening?"

"Oh, the usual. He refused to tell me the hockey scores from the game I missed, told us to be careful, yadda yadda yadda."

"I see. Well…" she trailed off as Alam reappeared with some sort of alien fruit that looked a little bit like pineapple but smelled more like herring.

He offered it to them hopefully. Carter busied herself drinking her water so she didn't have to be impolite, leaving her CO, who had no problem in that department to refuse the fish-smelling fruit and say, "Sorry, we're on a strict diet back on Earth… there's a wicked little lady with an arsenal of needles at her disposal that would have a fit if she knew we were tasting alien delicacies."

Alam looked a little bit confused but smiled and said, "Of course." He turned his attention to Jack, who was scowling at him, and said, "Colonel O'Neill, you should have joined us in the lab today. Major Carter was most fascinated by our research into…"

The little guy continued catching Jack up on what he'd missed that day, with obvious enthusiasm. Jack tuned him out immediately, glancing at his 2IC. He smiled in surprise; she was clearly doing the same thing. Usually she was more polite and discreet, on the rare occasions when she found herself just as bored as he was. He was even more surprised when she suddenly interrupted Alam's rambling by saying, "Would you excuse us please?"

"Wh… oh, um, of course. Sure. I'll be back later." Alam joined another little group of people, with a confused-puppy look that was apparently universal.

"You okay, Carter?" Jack asked carefully.

"Yeah, of course. But I was with the guy all day, sir, do I really need to hear him repeat everything I already heard?"

"No. No you don't. Are you sure you feel okay?"

She nodded and finished off her bottle of water. He looked at her carefully for a few moments and nodded. Everyone was allowed to be a little impatient now and then, after all. He certainly didn't have the market cornered on that… he realized she was staring at the top of his head. "What?" he asked, self-consciously running a hand through his hair.

"Nothing, sir." She looked away quickly and was trying to hide a smile. "Your hair looks good like that. I'm going to go find Daniel."

She walked away with a little bounce in her step that wasn't usually there when she was in uniform. He watched her go, slightly confused by her behavior and more certain than ever that they should all go get some sleep. Soon.

vvvvvvvvvvvv

Daniel smiled at Sam as she joined him. He was speaking with one of the local historians, Phint, and his wife, who was called Idin. "Hey, Sam, how's it going?"

"Fine. Especially since I lost that Alam guy for a little while."

Daniel glanced at the people he was talking to nervously. That was a very Jack-ish thing to say right in front of their new allies. "You okay?"

"Yeah… why?"

"No reason. You look a little flushed is all…"

"Nope. I'm fine." She smiled brightly at him and hugged him around the shoulders impulsively.

Daniel made his puzzled face at her for a moment and said, "Um, Sam, why don't you go find Teal'c, and I'll go see if Jack's getting ready to go settle in for the night?"

"Okay," Sam said cheerfully. "But he's way more than ready, you know that." She pecked him on the cheek and hurried off.

Daniel turned back to the couple he had been speaking with, giving them a slightly nervous smile. "She's uh - she tends to get a little overworked when we visit new places. Would you excuse me, please?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvv

Teal'c had successfully evaded the two local women who were cultivating inappropriate feelings for him. He was too amused by their attentions to be flattered, as O'Neill had suggested. Combined, the two young women were not even half of his age. It was rather ridiculous.

He was glad to see Major Carter approaching him. She looked much more relaxed than she usually allowed herself to become while they were on an off-world assignment. "Teal'c! Hey, there ya are!" she exclaimed happily, hugging his arm and slipping her hand into his much larger one, swinging their arms as Cassandra Fraiser used to do when she was young.

He looked down at her in alarm with his eyebrow raised. "Major Carter, are you unwell?" he asked quietly.

"I'm fine!" she exclaimed, rolling her eyes in a very exaggerated fashion. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"You do not seem to be yourself right now, Major Carter," Teal'c said patiently, trying to steer her towards the other two members of their team, who were speaking quietly to each other and looking over at her with obvious concern. Clearly they had noticed her unusual behavior as well. "Major Carter, let us join Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson."

"Okay." She hugged his arm again and looked up at him with a huge smile. "You're like the strongest person in the world, Teal'c!"

"And you are most definitely not yourself, Major Carter," he muttered as they began making their way through the room to the rest of their team.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Carter, your cheeks are bright red!" Jack exclaimed, pressing the back of his fingers to her forehead once Teal'c had half-dragged her over to them.

"Maybe it's embarrassment," Daniel muttered to him, blinking in surprise as Sam swatted Jack's hand away and muttered something that sounded a lot like 'mother hen'. Could have been 'other men,' Daniel supposed, but that didn't make much sense.

"Did you eat anything, Carter?" Jack asked sharply.

"No, of course not! Why, did you?"

"Did you drink anything?"

"Nope. Just Colonel O'Neill-approved bottled water from Colorado Springs, Colorado!"

Jack and Daniel both looked at each other slowly, then back at her. Something was clearly wrong with her, but they didn't know what.

"Something airborne, maybe?" Daniel guessed.

"She appears to be the only one affected, in the entire room," Teal'c stated, pressing a steadying hand on her shoulder as she somehow tripped while standing completely still.

"She looks… kind of wasted," Jack observed, clearly choosing his words carefully.

"I am not wasted!" Sam objected indignantly, scowling at him.

"Sorry. Of course you're not. Let's all go back to our rooms and… figure out what we're going to do about this."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv

By the time they got back to their rooms, Carter seemed to be saying whatever popped into her head. She was acting sort of like a little kid after eating way too much candy. A kid with ADD. At an amusement park. And maybe the kid had a couple of drinks in her too.

She informed Daniel that he should really think about getting Lasik eye surgery, since his allergies made contact lenses uncomfortable, and went into a diatribe about how much better he looked without his glasses and how he was always breaking and losing them anyway. By the time she finished, with a very loud and insistent, "And they're _always _slightly crooked!" Jack was feeling sorry for poor Daniel, who had done nothing to bring on the sudden attack.

She asked Teal'c if he used waterproof eyeliner and if so, what brand, and was it delivered to the base on a regular basis, or did he have Daniel or the Colonel pick it up for him? Teal'c refused to answer.

It would have been funny if it wasn't so disturbing. And nobody had come up with a good reason as to why she was the only one having a problem.

They all filed into her room. She looked around it and rolled her eyes. "There's nothing to do in here!"

"There's lots to do in here," Jack said. "Like sit down and talk to us so we can figure out what's wrong with you."

"There's nothing wrong with me!"

"Jack, maybe you should stop bringing that up," Daniel muttered quietly, going over to Sam's neat pile of things. He rummaged around for a bottle of water and brought it to her. "Here, drink this, Sam," he said gently, handing it to her.

She took it but didn't drink it, collapsing dramatically on her bed instead and complaining, "This is boring."

"Not for us," Daniel couldn't help but comment. She didn't seem that bad really, just… not like herself.

Jack was staring at her hand. Actually, he was staring at the bottle of water in her hand. "Alam," he muttered.

"The scientist?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah… I think he's behind this."

"Jack… aren't you being a little paranoid?"

"No. He's been sticking to her like glue, he might have noticed if it was someone else. And he gave her the only thing I saw her eat or drink while we were there."

"Why would he…"

"I don't know. But I think we need to go have a little chat with Alam."

"No, that guy is soooooooooooo boring!" Sam objected, grabbing one of Jack's arms and one of Daniel's in an attempt to make them stay there. "Stay here, we'll play a game or something. Colonel, you've always got a deck of cards with you - we can play poker… oh, strip poker!"

"Okay, that's it. Daniel, stay with Carter, Teal'c, we're gonna go…"

"Jack, don't leave me alone with her!" Daniel begged, and suddenly Jack had a scientist clinging desperately to each of his arms.

Jack looked back and forth between the two of them and nodded. There was no way Daniel could handle her by himself. "Okay. Teal'c, stay with Carter."

"Very well," Teal'c agreed, nodding.

"Carter… try to get some sleep."

"Not tired!" she said cheerfully, patting him on the arm before finally releasing it. She started a closer inspection of the room, apparently hoping somebody had come in while they were gone and left her something interesting to play with.

"Great," Jack muttered as he and Daniel left the room and headed back to the gathering.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Infirmary _

"I remember all of that - it was kind of like being drunk," Sam commented. "It was like… in the back of my mind I knew I should shut the hell up but I just couldn't make myself care enough to stop talking."

"Yeah, well… we found Alam and he admitted adding some 'flavor' to your water - apparently he uh… Daniel?"

"He thought you were being professional and hiding an interest in him and that if he gave you that stuff you'd um, open up a bit," Daniel tried to explain.

"What was it anyway?" Sam asked them.

Jack shrugged and said, "Doc?"

"The tests aren't completely conclusive yet. It's similar to sodium pentathol and pure adrenaline."

Sam looked down at her shoulder, which was sore and had a small bruise over a puncture mark, and had a vague recollection of her CO injecting her with something. "You tried to give me an antidote, didn't you sir?"

"Yeah… we made Alam give us one and by the time we got back to you, poor Teal'c was about ready to zat you…"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_P63C39_

"Looks like we got here just in time," Daniel said quietly as they entered Sam's room again. She was jumping on the bed in her tee-shirt and underpants, trying to get Teal'c to join her.

"Teal'c, come on, it's fun! And the ceiling is high enough, you won't bang your head! Come on, don't be a party pooper! Hey, Teal'c? Teal'c, come on! I won't tell the Colonel if you wanna jump on the bed a little. You don't wanna look uncool, that's okay, I understand! Come on, we…" she paused in her jumping long enough to notice that Jack and Daniel had returned and said brightly, "Oh, hi guys! What's up?"

"You, apparently," Jack said dryly, concealing the antidote Alam had given them in his hand. "Come here a minute, Carter."

"You come up here, sir! You can jump with me if you want… oh but it might not be good for your knees. Never mind, you're uninvited. Daniel, take off your shoes!"

"Carter! Get over here now. Please." Jack was about two seconds away from throwing up his hands in resignation and spending the evening laughing his ass off at her behavior. Only the thought of how mortified she would be whenever she was back to normal, and how pissed off she'd be if she remembered they'd enjoyed her predicament, kept him on track. He was in full-on stern-CO mode, barking out orders like they were at boot camp, as it was the only thing that was appearing to have the slightest bit of control over her.

Frowning and mumbling things that were definitely insubordinate, she nevertheless followed the order.

"Good. Now, I'm just going to give you a little shot and…" he started, taking the syringe that Daniel had discreetly handed him from their medical kit and filling it with the antidote.

He was still slightly nervous about injecting his 2IC with an essentially unknown substance, but after interrogating Alam thoroughly, he had to admit the guy really hadn't meant any harm, and that he was concerned about Carter's condition as well. Still, it had been fun watching Daniel punch him in the face…

"A shot?" Carter shrieked, diving behind Daniel and attempting to use him as a shield.

"I'm not crazy about them either, Major, but it'll help you. Now come on."

"No way!"

"Daniel," Jack ordered with a nod.

Daniel nodded and got out of Carter's grip with a twist and turn she herself had taught him several years ago. Unfortunately it didn't work completely, as Carter had never taught Daniel _every _move she had. Jack, with the syringe in his hand, couldn't interfere, and they were wrestling around so much (while Carter giggled) that Teal'c was reluctant to interfere and risk injuring either of them accidentally.

"He's never gonna get her," Jack said after a few moments. "Teal'c, get in there. Guys, just hold her still."

Teal'c quickly restrained her, pinning both arms behind her back, both of her wrists held tightly in one of his hands, in an iron grip. Daniel jumped away from her rubbing his ribs, which she'd elbowed solidly in their little scuffle.

"Okay, now, Major, this is going to hurt a helluva lot more if you keep squirming around," Jack warned, grabbing a pre-soaked cotton ball and moving towards her. She tried to get away from Teal'c again when she saw the needle, throwing her weight back and kicking with her legs. Jack rolled his eyes. "CARTER! Be still or we're restraining you! That's an ORDER, MAJOR!"

She went still then but she was glaring at him so angrily he had to look away. He tugged at the sleeve of her tee-shirt until her shoulder was exposed, disinfected the area, and gave her the shot.

"OUCH! That hurt!" she exclaimed angrily.

Jack disposed of the syringe and turned back to them, surveying her closely. Nothing was happening. "Okay, T… you can let her go."

"Perhaps that would not be wise, O'Neill," Teal'c suggested.

"Hey, Sam?" Daniel asked suddenly, speaking for the first time in several minutes.

"What?"

"Why'd you take off your pants?"

"It's really hot in here," she stated, rolling her eyes and looking at Daniel like he was quite possibly the dumbest person she'd ever met.

"I warned her that if she removed any more clothing I would be forced to restrain her," Teal'c told them.

Jack and Daniel both raised their eyebrows, wondering how much more she would have taken off with Teal'c right there. It was probably best left to the imagination.

"Which you're doing right now anyway!" Sam pointed out.

"Teal'c, let go of her, now," Jack repeated.

"Very well."

Teal'c released her wrists and stepped away from her, fearing retaliation for restraining her, but all she did was scowl at him and cross her arms over her chest. "Well, not that having a needle stuck in me isn't a laugh riot, but…" she started sarcastically as she headed towards her pack.

She never finished the sentence. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed. Jack caught her awkwardly and moved her to the bed, which was extremely low to the ground. His back and knees screamed _we hate you, O'Neill! _at him as he lowered her dead weight to the mattress (or whatever these alien guys used for mattresses - they were kind of like Styrofoam).

Daniel sat down next to her immediately and checked her pulse and temperature. "She's asleep… she seems okay as far as I can tell, but Alam didn't say this would happen."

"Maybe she's just crashed from using up so much energy," Jack said nervously. He ran a hand through his hair, frowning down at her.

"Teal'c… you and Daniel go back to Alam and tell him what happened, find out what you can. Bring him back with you only if you absolutely have to."

Teal'c nodded. He was glad to be given this assignment - although Major Carter was currently unconscious, he did not like the possibility of having to monitor her again if she woke up in the same state of mind.

"Oh, yeah, get samples of the first thing he gave her and the antidote too. Fraiser will need those."

"Come, Daniel Jackson. We will move quickly, O'Neill."

vvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Infirmary_

"Teal'c made us _run _all the way back to Alam's place," Daniel grumbled.

"You needed the conditioning," Jack said with an unconcerned shrug.

"That's the last thing I really remember," Sam said thoughtfully. "I mean, passing out. There are a few random images of us getting back to the Stargate and… stuff…" she blushed as she said 'stuff.' Jack didn't blame her. "But… nothing really clear, everything's kind of like a dream until I woke up here."

"Any idea why she reacted so violently to the antidote yet, Doc?" Jack asked.

"Not exactly, although I'm inclined to agree with Dr. Jackson, that it was originally intended to counter the effects of the first stimulant. Something in it just reacted badly to something in Sam, and just sort of intensified the effect of the original drug - kind of like contracting the flu from a flu shot. I need to do about three more days worth of tests on it, but I'm working on the assumption, for the time being at least, that it's at least partially due to the naquadah in her blood."

"Whatever it is, I'm fine now," Sam interrupted. "Just… tell me what happened after I woke up from the antidote."

The three men of SG-1 looked at each other nervously. "Umm, Jack, it looks like you're up," Daniel said with a smug smile.

vvvvvvvvvvvvv

_P63C39_

Jack checked his watch for the tenth time and wondered when Daniel and Teal'c would be back. If they didn't have any brilliant solutions, he was sending them straight to the Stargate to get Dr. Fraiser. He glanced at his watch again and crossed the little room to the bed. He checked his 2IC's pulse and temperature again - she was a little more warm than normal, but her breathing was normal and her heart rate was good. She really just seemed to be asleep.

He thought about trying to get her back into her pants, but decided that was just too weird. He went into his, Daniel's, and Teal'c's room, grabbed one of their blankets, and covered her with it, then sat down on the floor across from her, leaning against the dresser. He bent his knees in his usual wide, sitting-on-the-ground stance, and checked his watch again.

Carter kicked the blanket off violently and sat up. She scanned the room quickly and her eyes stopped on him.

"Hey Carter," he said carefully.

"Hi," she answered, biting her lip as though she was trying hard to remember something.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, getting to his feet but not moving closer to her yet.

"Okay. Where are Daniel and Teal'c?"

"They went to talk to Alam."

"That smarmy, beady-eyed little…" she started.

"Yeah, I'm not a big fan either," Jack said cautiously. He couldn't figure out if she was back to normal or not. Right now she looked more bewildered than anything else. "Do you want some water?" he tried.

"Is that supposed to be a joke, sir? You know, most of the time you're pretty funny but sometimes you're just downright… inconsiderate!" She rubbed her shoulder where he'd given her the shot, and looked like she might cry. Or punch him. Possibly both.

He'd prefer it if she did neither. "Sorry… I wasn't thinking."

She snorted and said, "So what else is new?"

"Hey, easy Major."

She rolled her eyes and demanded, "So, it's okay for you to make 'Carter has no life' jokes but I'm not allowed to make one little comment about something that's completely ridiculous anyway?'

Apparently the antidote hadn't worked.

"Um… what?"

"You know what I'm talking about," she accused. "You propagate the 'dumb Colonel' bullshit yourself in the first place - why does it bother you if I further the myth?"

He spent a moment marvelling at her vocabulary even when under the effects of alien drugs and said, "Because, CARTER, there's nobody here but us at the moment."

"So what?"

"So…" he shifted on his feet uncomfortably, sticking his hands in his pockets. He wasn't entirely sure what the drugs were doing to her but she seemed almost incapable of lying, and he felt like it would be really unfair to lie to her while she was like that. "Look… just because I kind of encourage… or at least don't _discourage… _the 'bullshit' you so colourfully referred to… I don't want any of the members of my team believing it's really true."

"We don't," she said quickly with a big smile, crossing the room to him quickly and patting him on the cheek reassuringly. "We know you're full of shit, Colonel," she added sweetly.

He rolled his eyes but used her close proximity to feel her forehead again, frowning when he realized the fever was back and seemed even higher than before. "You're still hot."

She twined her arms around his neck and said, "Aww, you're still hot too, sir."

He pried her arms off of him, surprised at how strong she was, saying, "Ohforcryinoutloud, that's not what I meant… but thanks… but… Carter!"

"Yes?"

He started talking very, very fast. Even Daniel would have been impressed. "You're… you're under the effects of an alien substance and you don't know what you're saying or have no control over it or something I don't know exactly yet but if you were in your right mind you wouldn't be looking at me like that and when you're back to yourself if you remember this you're going to be furious and embarrassed and…"

"How come you're the one who stayed with me, sir?" she interrupted, apparently choosing to ignore everything he was saying.

"Bad knees. Teal'c can run faster. You scared Daniel to death. Now. Go sit down somewhere and just… be quiet. And put your clothes back on. All of them. Shoes even."

"Why?"

"Because… we're going back to the gate as soon as Daniel and Teal'c get back."

"But I thought I had a fever, are you sure it's safe for me to walk all the way back to the gate? It might be smarter to just stay put."

The tone of her voice was completely off for that type of remark. Off for Carter in general. She said it like it was a pick-up line. He gave her shoulders a little shove to put some more space between them and winced when her hand went back to the spot on her shoulder. He felt a twinge of guilt at giving her the shot that had apparently only made her worse, then making the wound smart by pushing her there again.

"Umm… well, if you have trouble with it the rest of us will help you. Pants, Carter. Now."

"You know, you're kind of a wet blanket, Colonel, especially for someone who's always teasing the rest of us for being boring," she grumped as she located her previously discarded pants and pulled them back on.

"Yeah, well…" he started defensively. He stopped and frowned. "Just sit down, put your socks and shoes on, and be quiet until Daniel and Teal'c get back."

Based on the death glare she shot at him while she reluctantly obeyed all of his orders, he had really pissed her off. But it was certainly better than the alternative.

She sat down on the bed and continued to scowl at him. He sat back down in front of the dresser and looked back at her evenly. His frown deepened as the situation reminded him of when she'd first got Jolinar and Hammond had made him interrogate her.

"What?" she asked.

"Just… thinking of something bad."

"What?"

"Why are you so nosey?"

"Why are you answering my questions with questions?"

"Carter… be quiet. Please."

She was quiet for nearly two full minutes. Then she got to her feet and started pacing the room, almost but not quite stomping with each step. "This is so boring!"

"Well, neither one of us is leaving this room, so just find something with which to keep yourself occupied. Preferably something that doesn't require a lot of talking."

He realized as soon as he'd said it that it was a mistake. She turned to him with a look that he'd never seen on her face before (not in real life at least) and said, "Well, I can think of _lots _of things that would keep us both occupied, sir. Happily occupied, no talking required…"

"Carter, shut up! For the love of God, shut the hell up!" he ordered, clapping his hands over his ears and squeezing his eyes shut.

Closing his eyes was a very stupid tactical error, because he couldn't see or hear her, so he wasn't expecting it when her fingers closed around his wrists and she pulled his hands away from his ears. He opened his eyes and groaned at her proximity and the look on her face. He struggled to remember what he was supposed to be doing for several seconds and finally got it.

"Carter, listen to me very carefully. You can glare at me like you hate me now all you want, I don't really care. At least you won't hate me when you're back to normal. Now, you're going to go sit down on your bed and stay there - silently - until I tell you to get up. You can either follow the order yourself or I'll get out the restraints. You have three seconds to choose, starting right now."

To her credit, she really did seem to be trying to do what he told her. He could see it, way in the back of her eyes. She almost succeeded too. Then her gaze went kind of fuzzy again and she smirked. "I wouldn't have thought you'd be into the whole 'strap a woman to the bed' thing, Colonel, alth…"

He sighed and moved quickly, spinning her around by the shoulders, clamping a hand firmly over her mouth, and pinning her to him before she could do anything other than give a muffled scream and grab uselessly at his forearms. He looked around the room and located her pack while she struggled. She'd have some ties in there - after the fiasco on the Unas planet with Rothman they all carried them. But getting her over there without her getting away was going to be tricky, and she was probably so pissed off at him now that she might even try to run away.

With her so close to him, he could tell she still had a pretty high fever too, and he was concerned she was going to overexert herself and pass out again.

She went limp suddenly and he immediately took his hand off her mouth to check her pulse, relaxing the arm that pinned her to him. "Carter? Y'okay?" he started. She stomped on his foot and started trying to get away again. He swore loudly but it was more from the situation than pain - he was wearing his boots after all.

She was laughing. "I can't believe you fell for that, sir, it's the oldest trick in the book!"

He dragged her over to her pack and grabbed it quickly with one hand, dropped it on the dresser, and started rummaging through it blindly, figuring the ties had worked their way down towards the bottom. "You know, I do feel sorry that this happened to you, Carter, but you're not exactly making me feel too bad about enjoying this just a little bit."

"We could enjoy this a _lot _if you'd just…"

"SHUT UP," he growled, but he was having trouble holding onto her and looking for the ties at the same time anyway, so there was no way he could cover her mouth again. He let out a triumphant cry when his fingers closed over the little group of plastic tie restraints. He pulled them out, ripped off the little strip that bound them together with his teeth, and grabbed them. "I'll do them in front if you can be nice about it," he offered.

"You know, Colonel, there's something I've often wanted to say to you and now seems like the perfect opportunity to do it…"

Great. She was about as un-Carter as it was possible to be and she was still smart enough to figure out he wouldn't report her for insubordination. She really did have a free pass to say whatever she wanted at the moment. He was just worried she'd eventually say something out loud now that she'd really regret forever. If she chose now to start vocalizing all those unspoken things between them… he wasn't sure what it would do to whatever messed up non-relationship they had now but he knew it wouldn't be good.

"BITE ME, SIR."

Well, that settled that. He was almost relieved that was what she wanted to say. Of course, it meant she was getting cuffed from behind rather than the front. He slipped the ties around both her wrists and tightened them, making sure she couldn't get loose but that they weren't pinching into her skin.

"Daniel! Teal'c! Save me from this deranged lunatic!" Sam started pleading suddenly.

Jack looked to the doorway, surprised. Teal'c and Daniel were standing there, looking very surprised to find their CO actually physically restraining her.

"She was completely out of control…" he started to explain.

"Not _completely,_" Sam started. "Not for lack of trying though, b…"

Jack clamped a hand over her mouth again and stated, "It had to be done."

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "I too considered it but when I was guarding Major Carter she did not appear to be a danger to herself… or to me."

Sam licked Jack's hand. "Ew! Dammit, Carter!" he wiped his hand on his pants, freeing her mouth for speaking again.

She focused her attention on Teal'c and gushed, "Aw, Teal'c, I'd never hurt you! You're like the best big brother I could ever have. And you're really big, brother!"

"I am old enough to be your grandfather, Major Carter," he reminded her patiently.

She shrugged and said, "How about doing one of your brotherly duties and kicking this big bully's ass for me, huh? And then letting me out of these things?"

"I cannot, Major Carter. I must abide by O'Neill's decision."

"Come on… I love you, Teal'c! And… oh forget it." Realizing Teal'c would not be persuaded to help her, she turned to Daniel with a huge grin. "Daniel… my sweet, adorable baby brother… you'll help me, won't you?"

"Sam, I'm older than you," he reminded her, although Jack thought he looked pleased with the label anyway.

"Oh, that's not important, Daniel, all that matters is that I love you so much, you're like a little brother and a puppy all in one! And you're so smart, Daniel, please tell our dearly beloved CO that he can cut these off now? I'll be good, I swear."

Daniel wavered and said, "Jack, maybe…"

"Ack!"

"But…"

"Daniel, don't even! Carter, stop trying to manipulate Daniel! Daniel… tell me what Alam said."

Daniel nodded. "He said the antidote can make you sleepy, although he's never heard of anyone passing out so quickly. He seemed really surprised, and worried. But she seems okay now… physically, I mean. She's obviously still… afflicted."

"Yeah, that's putting it mildly. Okay, new plan. We're all going to the Stargate. We'll talk to Fraiser, get the all-clear to bring her back, and let the doc sort her out."

"That's probably going to mean more needles, isn't it?" Sam piped up.

"Yup. Boys, grab your gear. T, you'll have to carry Carter's crap too. Carter… I'm going to let go of you now. If you don't walk along with us quietly, I'll tie your legs together too and you can bunny hop your way back to the gate." It was an empty threat, but she looked intimidated by it enough that she nodded and stood still when he let go of her.

"Jack, you can't…" Daniel started to object. His objection seemed to make Carter realize it was something he'd never really do.

"Fine, I won't do that, but I _will _have Teal'c throw you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes."

Sam gulped and nodded, knowing he would do it, and waited patiently while everyone gathered their things. "If you cut my hands free I could carry my own pack," she tried when they were all ready to go.

"I don't think so. As it is I'm not sure I trust you to stay with the group. All right boys, it's dark out there… Teal'c, you're behind Carter, I want you watching her six at all times…"

"I thought that was your job, sir," Carter said innocently.

"Carter… one more comment like that and I'm turning Danny's bandana into a gag," Jack said seriously. The idea just occurred to him, but it was actually a pretty good one.

"Jack, I wore that all day, it probably doesn't taste very good," Daniel objected.

"All the more incentive for Carter to keep her mouth shut by herself then," Jack said, putting on his baseball cap.

"I am not letting you put something that Daniel's sweated all over in my mouth!" Carter argued. She smirked suddenly and said, "And if the rumors some of the nurses have started about the two of you are true, that actually leaves out quite a few interesting possib…"

Daniel looked stunned and turned bright red. Jack snatched his bandana from its pocket and waved it in her face. "Pretty ripe, isn't it? Don't test me on this, Carter, I'll do it."

"I don't want my bandana in Sam's mouth anymore than she wants it there!" Daniel said, snatching it out of Jack's fingers. He stuffed it back into his pocket and said, "As the bard advised, 'neither a borrower nor a lender be.'"

Jack rolled his eyes, muttered, "Geek," and spun Carter around to face the door.

"Okay…" He curled his fingers around her arm, just above the elbow, and nodded to Daniel. "Grab her other arm."

"I don't think this is necessary," Daniel mumbled, but he did as ordered. The most important thing was to get her to Dr. Fraiser as fast as possible. Arguing with Jack would just waste time.

As they stepped outside, Teal'c asked, "Daniel Jackson, what is a 'lenderbee?'"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Infirmary_

"So…" Janet said finally, snapping her clipboard shut. "That explains why I was summoned to the Gateroom in the middle of the night to watch the Colonel and Daniel frogmarch you down the ramp. Don't worry about it, Sam, I'm sure the General will completely understand."

"I know he will, it's just…"

"Embarrassing," all four members of SG-1 said together.

Sam yawned, hid it behind her hand quickly, and glanced at Janet, hoping she hadn't noticed. Of course, she had. "Okay, boys, story time is over and Sam needs to get to sleep," she told them firmly.

There were the customary grumbles from Daniel and Colonel O'Neill, but they got to their feet anyway. The three male members of SG-1 said goodnight to her and filed out of the infirmary.

Janet checked Sam's vitals once more, looking down at her tired friend. She'd been through an exhausting ordeal, that was certain. Dr. Fraiser knew her patient needed to rest, but Janet had one more question she wanted answered from Sam.

"Sam… you _were _gagged with Daniel's bandana when you came through the Stargate," Janet reminded her.

Sam turned bright red and said, "W-was I? I don't remember…"

It was almost a convincing lie. But she looked so sheepish and embarrassed that Janet didn't buy it.

"Sam…" Janet tried to control a suspicious smile. "What did you say on the way back to the gate?"

"Nothing," Sam said quickly.

"Sam? Come on, I've got to know!"

O'Neill poked his head back in the infirmary. "Carter? Does that selective memory of yours need to be reminded that I gave you a direct order _not _to repeat what you said to Dr. Fraiser?"

"No, sir!" she said quickly, looking immensely relieved to have a good excuse. Sometimes, what happened between SG-1 had to _stay _between SG-1. It was the only cliché the Colonel actually approved of.

Janet scowled at the both of them. "Get out of my infirmary, Colonel."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Sir?" Sam called as he disappeared. He peeked in the door again. "Thank you, sir."

He winked and said, "Good night, ladies" before leaving them once more.

Janet scowled down at Sam, who was pretending to be sound asleep. Oh well - she might not have got to hear the whole story, but she did collect a nice chunk of change in the pool that week.

vvvvvvvvvv


	6. Team Bonding

A/N: Sorry everyone. It's just so much more Stargatey _not _to tell you what she said. Plus it amuses me to do it this way. Mwahaha.

Ch 6: Team Bonding

"So, Sam, did you ever tell Janet what you said on the way back to the gate?" Daniel asked, checking once more to make sure the ties on his wrists hadn't magically loosened since the last time he'd tested them. Amazingly, they hadn't. And now his bum was going to sleep. Great.

"No, of course not! Why would I want to do that, I'm mortified enough about everything I said to you guys…"

"Most of it was nice," Daniel pointed out.

"Anyway, I'm glad you didn't tell the Doc anything else, because I heard through the grapevine that she cleaned up big last week. On us," Jack said.

"She actually _bet _that you'd…" Sam started incredulously. She stopped and shook her head in amazement. Now that she thought of it, it was _just _the sort of thing Janet would do. "Never mind. I figure whatever she comes up with on her own is probably going to be worse than what actually happened anyway… and she'll just die not knowing for sure."

"The curiosity that terminates the feline," Teal'c said sagely.

"Huh?" Daniel said.

"T, it's 'curiosity kills the cat,'" Jack corrected.

"I see."

"In either case… yes," Carter said, not bothering to hide her amusement.

"You're a little bit evil, aren't you, Carter?" Jack asked as though he were discussing what was for dinner.

His stomach rumbled as he thought of food, and he decided that since they were done swapping stories they'd all been there for anyway, they should get a move on escaping their current predicament.

"Okay kids, how are we going to get out of this one?" he asked. "And doesn't anyone else find it a bit odd that we were immediately surrounded by angry Jaffa as soon as we stepped through the gate, but we've been left conveniently alone for a long time now?"

"It is unusual, O'Neill," Teal'c agreed.

"On the other hand, they pretty much made it impossible for us to _go _anywhere, so why would they bother checking on us?" Daniel asked logically.

"And it's possible they have some sort of monitoring system we just haven't found yet," Carter added.

"All right, Major, we're going to assume that's not true and start working on getting out of here. Now, does anybody have anything left on them besides their shoes and underwear?"

"Not me," Daniel said.

"I had a razor blade in my boot, but I think it's gone," Carter said.

"Really?" Jack asked, surprised.

"Well… we've been having such a bad run of luck lately I thought it might come in handy… but these guys apparently searched us pretty thoroughly. And seeing as how I don't have my socks on anymore and can't feel anything in my boot other than my foot… I'm guessing they found it." She slid both boots off easily since they were untied, feeling around in them with her toes before confirming that her blade was gone. It would have been a miracle if it hadn't been anyway - they'd clearly been searched _very _thoroughly. "Yup. It's gone, sir."

"Did you get that idea from a Quentin Tarantino movie by any chance, Carter?"

She was silent for a few moments before reluctantly admitting, "Maybe."

"Sweet."

"Regardless," Daniel interrupted. "She doesn't have it anymore… and with the way we're tied up right now I doubt it would make much difference anyway."

"Don't get negative, Daniel, we just… need to break down the situation. Take this one step at a time."

"We are incapable of stepping at all in our current bound positions, O'Neill," Teal'c reminded him.

"I have an idea!" Carter said suddenly.

"That's what I want to hear. Go ahead, Carter."

"Teal'c… the ropes tying us all together… are they close to your symbiote pouch?" she asked. They were around her torso, but Teal'c was much taller than she was.

"They are, Major Carter."

"Could you maybe somehow get your symbiote to um… bite through the ropes or something?"

Teal'c said, "That is not possible, Major Carter. Communication is minimal and on a mainly subconscious level. My symbiote would have no desire to leave the protective confines of his pouch to attempt such a difficult, and I believe impossible, task."

"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed.

"All right, good try. Just… keep thinking, Major. We've got nothing but time," Jack tried to encourage.

"Think fast though, Sam," Daniel added impatiently.

"Daniel, relax!" Jack ordered.

"I'm sorry, Jack, but I've got a pounding headache and I really have to pee."

"So… pee."

"Ewwwww," Daniel said.

"Sir, that's disgusting."

"What, I didn't _do_ it! I'm just saying… we're gonna be here a while," Jack said reasonably.

"Daniel Jackson please refrain from urinating for as long as you can," Teal'c requested.

"I will! Geez! I thought we were supposed to be figuring out ways to get out of here, not talking about the fact that I need the toilet!"

Thirty minutes later, Daniel was trying not to think about how badly he needed to pee, Teal'c was trying to kel'no reem, Carter was trying to figure a way out of their situation, and O'Neill was singing, 'And the rain, rain, rain came down, down, down,' to make Daniel's task even more difficult. Then they were all engulfed in a bright white beam.

vvvvvvvvvv

Jacob Carter considered himself a patient man, although other people might have disagreed with that assessment. But there were limits to what he could be expected to put up with, even with the calming assistance of his symbiote, Selmak.

When he arrived at Stargate Command after massively rearranging his schedule so that he could spend a long weekend with his daughter, only to be informed by his buddy George that his daughter and the rest of her team were missing on some backwater planet… Jacob lost it. Selmak was irate as well; she owed her life to SG-1 several times over and rather thought of Jacob's daughter as a sort of adopted child of her own as well.

General George Hammond, who was under plenty of stress of his own trying to figure out what had happened to his best team, was instantly reminded of another time Jacob had been similarly livid - when his one and only daughter had skipped off with a bunch of her friends to an unsupervised beach house after her high school prom. At the time, George hadn't though it was possible for a man to be more furious. The addition of Selmak had apparently made it possible for Jacob to get even more upset, or at least to express himself more colourfully.

"Jacob, please… we sent the MALP through before them and everything indicated they were going to a deserted planet… a planet that, according to the rescue team's report, is still in fact deserted. We're working on the assumption that they have been captured and taken to another planet…" Hammond tried to explain.

"Sounds like you've got nothing to go on at all, George!"

"We've contacted Thor, he abandoned the task he was doing immediately and is heading to the planet they gated to…"

"I want to go too…" Jacob began.

The crowded briefing room, which had become command central for the rescue efforts, suddenly went completely still and silent as SG-1 appeared. On top of the briefing room table, one of the only empty spaces in the room.

"Umm, hey guys," Jack said after a few moments where time seemed to stand still. He, along with the rest of his team, looked around the briefing room, a bit dazed after their rapid transport. Everyone in the briefing room stared back at them, stunned.

The briefing room was a crowded but very clean environment. Suddenly Jack became aware of the stark contrast he and his team presented, all tied up together, covered in layers of sweaty prison dust... and almost naked on top of everything else.

"SG-1, welcome home," Hammond said with a grin after a few moments, not even caring that they were getting dirty footprints all over his nice shiny table.

"Sam! Thank God, you're okay!" Jacob exclaimed, pushing through the crowd to the edge of the table. He quickly took in the state of his daughter and the rest of her team in surprise.

"Dad?" Carter croaked, looking down at him as though his sudden appearance was stranger than hers, turning steadily pinker as she noticed just how many people were witness to their grand entrance.

Thor appeared suddenly in his own separate flash of light, next to them on the briefing room table. "General Hammond, as you can see I have located and rescued SG-1."

"Thank you, Thor, we owe you one," Hammond said, shaking his hand enthusiastically and helping him off the table.

"Thor, couldn't you have found a slightly more conspicuous place to drop us off?" Jack demanded sarcastically. "Like, I dunno, maybe smack dab in the middle of the Oval Office or something?"

"Sir!" Carter exclaimed/reprimanded. "Thor, thank you so much for rescuing us. We really didn't know how we were going to get out of that one. You saved our lives."

"As you have done for us on many occasions, Major Carter," Thor said. "And I am not offended by O'Neill's remark. This was the only empty space available in the room. My sensors automatically locked onto it."

"Oh. Well. Thanks, little buddy," Jack mumbled, glad he hadn't offended Thor. But seriously... on top of the briefing room table, in his Simpsons shorts? How did these things keep happening to him?

"Thor, once again I am in your debt," Teal'c said.

"Your thanks are unnecessary. Your retrieval was very easy once I determined your location."

"Um… before we get into the whole denouement bit, ya think we could get these ropes cut off?" Jack asked.

"Yeah I've got a nasty rope burn because Sam wouldn't stop giggling," Daniel chimed in, speaking for the first time.

"We ah… think Danny boy has a concussion, too," Jack explained as four Airmen began cutting at the restraints around their ankles and torsos.

While they worked, Hammond said, "All right, people, good work. Sergeant, call the rescue team back, everyone else who's not Thor or Jacob, clear out of here."

The room emptied quickly, people already muttering about the 'grandest SG-1 entrance of all-time.'

"Dad, what are you doing here?" Sam asked, looking for a way to fill the uncomfortable silence as their restraints were removed. She had never been more grateful for regulation sports bras and underpants in her life, but she was still understandably uncomfortable. She really wished the Airman working on her restraints would hurry up so she could get some clothes on.

"Just came to visit my favorite daughter," Jacob told her.

"Really?" That was a twist - no suicidal Tok'ra mission in the works?

"Aww, Jake, I missed you too," Jack said in a gushing tone, overcompensating for his discomfort with the whole situation by making a really lame joke.

Jacob rolled his eyes and said patiently, "Nice to see you too, Jack."

SG-1 was finally freed from each other, although their hands still remained tied behind their backs. They were all helped down from the table and the Airmen resumed their efforts on the ropes binding their wrists. Now that they were no longer back-to-back, SG-1 was able to look at each other for the first time in many hours. They exchanged relieved looks that they had once again managed to escape from such a bad situation.

Jack looked the rest of his team over carefully to make sure they hadn't been lying to him about their injuries, his eyes lingering involuntarily on his 2IC. Without thinking, he suddenly exclaimed, "Hey! They really are black!"

Carter looked like she had a sudden migraine, Teal'c gave a small smile, and Daniel laughed and shifted back and forth on his feet, clearly trying to hide the fact that he still needed to pee, while Jacob's eyes flashed dangerously. George quickly put a restraining hand on Jacob's arm and said, "Umm, Thor, why don't you give us a quick explanation before I send SG-1 to the infirmary."

While Jacob glared at Jack and Jack busied himself rubbing at the sore marks on his wrist dramatically, hoping for some sympathy, Thor said, "The planet they were on is a ruse, General Hammond. Jaffa not loyal to a specific Goa'uld inhabit the nearby moon and survive by taking prisoners and ransoming them back to their original homeworlds or the highest bidder."

"Lovely," Jack and Daniel said together.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

The Airman who was cutting Carter's wrists free shrugged his BDU shirt off and offered it to her. "Thanks," she said gratefully as she slipped it on, unbelievably sore in every muscle of her body.

Even though they had spend the last several hours tied up together, as soon as they were completely free, SG-1 clumped back together in a protective little huddle, subconsciously seeking each other out as they all still felt very exposed.

Hammond looked at the miserable, dirty little group that comprised his flagship team and couldn't resist. "Well, I'd order you to debrief, but in your present conditions, I'd be forced to have you all arrested for indecent exposure."

Jacob chuckled and clapped Hammond on the back, in a suddenly good mood now that he saw his daughter was relatively unharmed. "Good one, George."

"Come on, sir... that one was a little obvious," Jack said. "I expected more from you, General."

"You're just mad because he got to say it before you did, Jack," Daniel said.

"What was that, Daniel? You want me to sing to you again? _Oh the rain, rain, rain came down, down, down, in rushing running rivets..._"

"Infirmary, now people!" General Hammond called loudly over the loud singing of his 2IC.

He didn't even want to know why O'Neill had suddenly burst into song, nor why Teal'c had joined in, nor why Carter was giggling and Jackson was suddenly dancing in place on the balls of his feet, whining, "Jaaaaaaaack!" Sometimes with SG-1, it was much better for his sanity if he simply didn't ask.

Carter steered Daniel towards the door, and they set a brisk pace. O'Neill followed them, still singing. Teal'c bowed slightly to Hammond, Thor, and Jacob. The two bald men and bald alien watched them go. Hammond frowned at the trail of dirty footprints they left (two large sets of boots, one much smaller set of bare feet, and one odd combination of bare foot and boot from Dr. Jackson), but he had to laugh when the last thing he heard as the team disappeared down the corridor was Carter asking, "Sir, how do you know the words to a song from Winnie-the-Pooh?"

Hammond turned to Jacob and Thor, looked at them carefully for a few moments, and finally asked, "So, care to place your bets, gentlemen?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The End.


End file.
